It's funny to look back...

While I was in the shower yesterday.... (which coincidentally is the only time I have to my self and most of the time that "self" time includes a little 25 pound angel banging on the shower door) I started to think about the time while I was pregnant and all of the thoughts and notions I had as to what this would mean for my life.

I recalled meeting with the person we interviewed as a babysitter and asking her tons of questions and even though she was perfect it still didn't feel right. We even gave her a $300 deposit. What is humorous to me from the particular time is that we talked with her about paying her extra if we wanted to go to Happy Hour after work. Really?? I thought at that time that even though I had been away from my baby ALL day long and having someone else practically raise him that I would want MORE time away? And it's not that I didn't want him or love him. We tried for a year to make him... it was just that I envisioned my life staying the same with this new little bundle of love in it. I knew I wanted to breastfeed and figured I would just be able to pump extra milk and party it up? I guess I can partly see why my mom is so shocked at the kind of mother I have become.

I envisioned this perfect little baby that I would watch through the video monitor all snug in his elaborately decorated nursery while Tim and I watched TV at night and then retreated to our bed to cuddle all night like normal.


I am not sure if I thought this way because I had not known many people that breastfed or followed attachment parenting. I didn't even know what the term was until I found out I had been doing it for 6 months!


But once this little person entered my world he was all I could think about or do. I could not fathom having to turn him over to someone at the teeny age of 12 weeks and trust that he would be secure all day. I even went by a daycare and looked in the newborn room and saw the "cages"... quite literally. It was rows of boxes where they pulled rails down to protect from rolling out etc. I almost vomited. This was the most expensive daycare around and it made me want to pass out at the thought of leaving my helpless small baby with them.

I started having panic attacks when the time came to go back to work. It was bad. I would just be here nursing him and would think about what was to come and would start bawling. It had always been "impossible" for me to stay home as we bought a $200,000  and had student loan and furntiture payments out the wazoo. I started crunching the numbers and figured out that with saving nothing for college, retirement etc, never going out to eat, not buying anything not 100% needed ( books, lotion, makeup for fun)... it was BARELY doable.


To this day:

• I have only been seperated from Tyler 6 or 7 times and my mom or Tim has watched him
• He has never spent a night or nap out of our room
• He is still nursing
• He has never been left to cry it out
• He has never been spanked

I know most people that say " I can't stay home" just like I did but if you really want it you will find a way. This is nothing to say of moms that don't want to etc. More power to them. I am not one of those people that loves to work and if it is part of you and you enjoy it you should continue. This is not bashing working moms. Its about notions vs. reality.

Do I wish we had more money? Yes! Of course I wish I could take Tyler to the zoo and out to lunch all the time and buy him the best and save for his future but I can NEVER get this time back. I don't think I am going to look back and wish I had more stuff but I would look back and say I wish I had more time with my kid.